Welcome, Failures.

Followers. I meant followers.

I’ll get right to it. It is December. I have reviewed exactly zero books. My word means nothing. The first half of 2017 was pretty darn good, I gotta tell you. I read a Zora Neale Hurston novel so that’s one point for the colored authors category. Then my professor made us read All the Pretty Horses and I had to read like eight different Batman comics to feel right again. Some of the writers or illustrators could have been colored. I have no way of knowing in this world.

The second half was shit, though. Steve knows why. He has a big mouth too so you’ll figure it out soon, I’m sure. Anyway, I had a dream last night that I got hired as a writer for Buzzfeed, although whether it was a dream or nightmare is yet to be determined, so in the spirit of my only non-violent dream of late, I’mma make a list. And not the fun kind that tells you the location of every hidden Mickey in Disneyland either. This is the mom jeans of lists. Yes, indeed, I speak of the gratitude list. The monstrous thing will not be too long, I’m sure, because I hate most things. And so we begin.

Things I Am Grateful For:

  1. The 6 pack of multi-colored neon socks my aunt gave me. I know they don’t cost much but it matters not because I can just imagine her face when she saw the neon cheetah print ankle socks hanging from a hook and decided to buy them in bulk right then and there.
  2. The fact that this laptop still works after four whole years of constant use and that one time (yesterday) when I spilled milk directly into the keyboard.
  3. Regular candles that claim they smell like fantasy characters or places. I can’t smell jack but if you say that’s what Dumbledore’s office smelled like, well, then I believe you.
  4. That one dream where I got a job.
  5. My sister-in-law. I was so sure my brother was going to pick someone really annoying and mean but he outdid himself. She doesn’t even eat my food all the time like he does.
  6. I’m also really grateful that adult coloring is a thing now so it doesn’t look weird when I buy three Disney princess coloring books from a random child that sells random coloring books on the street.
  7. My Beauty and the Beast throw. Side note: how many times do I have to say Disney things on here until I get money?
  8. Sandwiches. I really like sandwiches.
  9. That time in January when I made a snowman on the side of a road on a random mountain with my cousin and aunt (yes, the neon socks one), with moral support from my uncle in the form of yelled encouragement as he slowly froze to death and eventually abandoned us altogether to return to the safety of the car.
  10. Like, my family or something, I guess? I can’t leave the list at 9.
  11. Also, Steve.

I probably won’t be grateful again for a few years so cherish this, readers. Here’s hoping I write just a tad more often in 2018.


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